there-
do you see it?
look!
look harder
you gotta kinda squint your eyes
and let go
let the focus slide a little off
and look with your soul
with the wide red eyes of your heart
now
LOOK
do you see?
do you SEE?
♦
i dreamt of you and that is the scary part
it’s not just that you’re you and you’re beautiful
it’s that you are so aptly suited to me
like i couldn’t have built you better
♦
sometimes, oh, sometimes i think i am so STUPID —
so stupid to let myself get into this mess
but i’ve been living it for so long i don’t know what else to do or how else to be
sometimes, oh sometimes, i wonder
♦
yes, it is to You, but i won’t let you read this
because it doesn’t mean anything
and you don’t need to know
it’s all been to someone
all of it
it’s always been aimed somewhere
just happens to be you — this time
which is to say —
it’s the most real thing in the world
♦
but in the end
it is less about you
and more about me
because when you’re gone
i will still have my words
♦
me and my Words
a match made somewhere on the rim of hell
♦
oh, and i don’t even know what i’m blathering about anymore
it’s all gotten lost in the translation from thought to tongue to paper
it is all lost
and i’m
lost
LOST
♦
if I keep this up I’m gonna say something I can’t take back
going to confess some terrible rhyme
one of these days you’ll take your hair down and it will kill me
i don’t know how to explain but i have this THING for hair
for long dark hair on long white men
it’s something older than time and a memory in my cells
some THING that makes my soul ache
♦
i am ample distraction
if i sit here long enough
maybe i’ll sprout roots
maybe i’ll grow on you
(sounds like a threat to me — better run!)
(come undone)
(better do it, now –or else)
♦
when you opened the door did you expect to find me?
do you know what you are looking at?
do you know me and will you hear my name?
♦
i don’t ask or offer because i don’t want to be turned down
even gracious objection is wounding enough on its own
without the killing pain of outright refusal
but — you KNOW, now you know, i told you and you still talk to me like i’m a human being —
that is something
something i wouldn’t have had the guts for a year ago
do you ever wonder at the tide of time?
do you wonder as the candy-man plinks coins off the links in my spine?
♦
not like that, not like it was but as it will be
future imperfect, the residual of years of languages —
♦
wild
feral
bestial
Queen
oh the things
you might have been
♦
i couldn’t let it be a secret, not this time, you’re too you for me to have suffered in silence
where is this going?
is it at an end —
oh gods
i don’t know
how to end
i never have
that’s my curse
and gift i guess
this mobius strip of endless dithering
i think i must
stop
now
or else
it’s time
now
for my date
with
Death
~Melanie Blackwell
*an old journal entry unearthed
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