How they Met 2000

AOL Instant Messenger - How long was your buddy list? : nostalgia

 

February 17, 2000

AOL Instant Messenger

 

JustaPoeBoy:  Hi

JustaPoeBoy: Hi, wanna chat?

JustaPoeBoy: Hehe guess not

FVSP75: Sorry, can’t chat…working on a paper

JustaPoeBoy:  bah, your dedication isn’t making me feel any better about putting off my own studies.

FVSP75: Ha

FVSP75: Well, I did put it off to the last possible minute

JustaPoeBoy: then I will grant you some credit. But if you are considering challenging me for the procrastination award, then you will have to wait until it is a few days past the last possible minute to begin.

FVSP75: I have done that before but this class is being taught by a friend and I don’t want him to know what a loser I am.

JustaPoeBoy: OH, all the more reason to put it off.  It is inevitable that a friend will know what losers we are. But the great thing about friends is that we can rely on them to accept us anyway.

JustaPoeBoy: So you NEED to rely on him to accept you anyway.  Think of it as a true test of his friendship : )

FVSP75: Now that you have distracted me from the task at hand I do hope you have something interesting to say  😀

FVSP75: Not that it as excruciatingly hard to do…

JustaPoeBoy: interesting? Not really.  If I was interesting I probably wouldn’t be forced to message people that I don’t know to find an audience.   Only the worst performers have to solicit an audience.

JustaPoeBoy: A/S/L???

FVSP75: 25/F/New Orleans u?

JustaPoeBoy: 24/M/same

JustaPoeBoy: You aren’t a stripper are you?

FVSP75: hahaha how did you know?

JustaPoeBoy: you’re kidding????

FVSP75: hardly

JustaPoeBoy: it seems everyone on here is a stripper these days…sigh…

FVSP75: Of course I’m kidding! What do you do?

FVSP75: Stripper too?

JustaPoeBoy: I’m the guy that stands out in the street with the window cleaner/scrubby thingy and tries to intimidate people into making donations by doing a bad job of washing windows and looking pitiful

JustaPoeBoy: it’s actually quite lucrative

FVSP75: wow…how I envy you

JustaPoeBoy:  I don’t blame you.  You’ve devoted yourself to academic pursuits, undoubtedly, but I have managed to make a good living without ever using a single neuron. (except the ones for vital functions, of course)

JustaPoeBoy:  My brain has never known an original thought.

FVSP75: oh, what movie did I see where a guy gave the window washer $100 to go away, clean himself up and get a job?

JustaPoeBoy: and what does that teach the window washer?

FVSP75: To keep washing windows

JustaPoeBoy: To keep washing windows!

JustaPoeBoy: Ah, precisely…you beat me to it.

JustaPoeBoy: What are you doing a paper on?

FVSP75: you mean was doing….Bartelby the Scrivener

FVSP75: by Melville

JustaPoeBoy: oh, are you an English major?

FVSP75: Secondary English Education

JustaPoeBoy: meaning?

FVSP75: That I’m studying to be a teacher that teaches English literature, creative writing, etc.

JustaPoeBoy: Bummer, I thought you were doing research on something important, like how to build a bigger and better bomb

FVSP75: No, I do that in my spare time.

FVSP75: I’ working on a prototype in the basement

FVSP75: and what do you study?

JustaPoeBoy: Aside from my arduous duties of window washing, I also study computer engineering.

FVSP75:  Where do you go to college?

JustaPoeBoy: basement? In this city? Your entire house hasn’t sunk into it yet?

FVSP75: not really, lol… live in an apartment

FVSP75: keep it in my underwear drawer

JustaPoeBoy: Tulane is wherz  I goes

JustaPoeBoy: dey teches us lotsa stuffs

JustaPoeBoy: So would it be correct to say that when someone opens your underwear drawer, it is quite a blast? 😉

FVSP75: People just have to learn not to mess with a girl’s underwear drawer

JustaPoeBoy I don’t keep mine in a drawer for that precise reason.

JustaPoeBoy:  I use a black trash bag instead

FVSP75: your bomb prototype?

JustaPoeBoy:  no…my underwear and when I get done using it back in the bag it goes

FVSP75: Grosss…but very versatile, portable too. Use it at home, for travel and to move.

JustaPoeBoy: Do you have a job or do your bills magically pay themselves at the end of every month?

FVSP75: Shhh, I don’t tell Everyone!1

JustaPoeBoy:  I always knew I was special, but the extent of your love is making me feel as unique as a 5 dollar bill.

FVSP75: im a walmart greeter

FVSP75: and a part time golf ball picker upper

JustaPoeBoy: If I was a Walmart greeter I’d wipe my nose before every handshake. (just to help pass the time you understand)

JustaPoeBoy: oh c’mon! the walmart deal was good but we both know you pawned that golf ball picker upper  from the beer commercial.

FVSP75: yes, but what a cool profession don’t ya think?

FVSP75: and walmart is extra fun if you hang out in the camping supplies aisle and set up a tent…and tell people passing by they can join you if they go get pillows from housewares

JustaPoeBoy: cool profession indeed, right up there with ditch digger. Does anyone dig ditches anymore? That has gone from being cliché to actually quite legendary.  When is the last time you met an honest-to-god ditch digger?

FVSP75: Can’t say that I have, BUT I have dug a ditch before.

JustaPoeBoy: Guess you have to have someplace to hide the bodies.

FVSP75: oh, did I tell you I’m waiting for the new Star Search to come to town?

JustaPoeBoy:  are you going to show them the contents of your underwear drawer?

FVSP75: I was thinking I’d sing while juggling something on fire

JustaPoeBoy: Can you actually juggle or are you counting on your inevitable failure as part of the entertainment value?

FVSP75: to succeed in nothing. ..to make a complete ass of yourself is far superior

JustaPoeBoy: the ass gets a bad rap I think. I mean think of all the shit it has to take.

FVSP75:  *is nothing (should have typed)

 

Damn keyboard

The letters keep moving around on me.

JustaPoeBoy I figured out what you were trying to say.  What you actually said is irrelevant

JustaPoeBoy: Can I borrow your keyboard? Mine is so prosaic.

FVSP75:  why thank you for pointing out my irrelevance.

FVSP75: no mine, mine, mine!

JustaPoeBoy:  drugs kickin’ in, eh?

FVSP75: I never learned to share

JustaPoeBoy: yeah, me either but I make up for it in my ability to take from others.

FVSP75: Damnation, maybe I should go into window washing so I could afford a maid…I need to do laundry, I have nothing to wear tomorrow.

FVSP75: err, today

JustaPoeBoy: since when do dirty clothes mean you have nothing to wear?

JustaPoeBoy: As long as they don’t walk away from you when you reach for them to put them through another tour of duty…

FVSP75: Alas, I have no desire to stink.  Can you hold on while I start a load of clothes?

JustaPoeBoy: what am I supposed to hold onto?

FVSP75: Whatever floats your boat

FVSP75: BRB

JustaPoeBoy: my boat tends to sink, but I’ll find something. Throw something in there in my honor

 

FVSP75: I’m back.

FVSP75: miss me?

JustaPoeBoy: I was just beginning to despair without your glory to herald the dawn of a brighter age.

FVSP75: Don’t despair for I have returned bearing gifts of lint and soap suds

JustaPoeBoy: well, then, according to ancient tradition you can wash my feet (what a truly horrid experience for those poor primitives with their grungy feet)

FVSP75: you have something against feet?

FVSP75: just for that I won’t allow you to see my toes.

JustaPoeBoy: No, not modern feet. Like everything else modern, modern feet are well kept. (usually) and relatively pleasant (usually).  I was speaking of ancient feet, before the birth of gods Nike and Reebok.

JustaPoeBoy: are your toes in that great of demand?

FVSP75: Do you doubt it?! My steel toed boots keep my feet nice and protected.

JustaPoeBoy:  I would never be so foolish as to doubt such an august personage as yourself

FVSP75: people line up outside my door hoping against hope for a glance at my toes

FVSP75: they coming bearing gifts and letters of recommendation

JustaPoeBoy: So then , I guess they might consider you a “genie in a bottle” waiting to grant their wishes?

FVSP75: no, no if I were a genie then I’d have a master and no one controls me!

FVSP75: some have tried to slip that one by me but I do background checks.

JustaPoeBoy: I don’t have a background.  I’m entirely in the foreground, I believe.

JustaPoeBoy: so what does FVSP stand for anyway?

FVSP75: Initials of some artists I admire…

FVSP75: Frida Vincent Sylvia Poe

FVSP75: The POE in your name is why I started chatting with you 😉

JustaPoeBoy: ok, hate to admit it but not sure who you are referring to except Edgar Allen Poe… is the Vincent, Van Gogh?

FVSP75: yes and Frida Kahlo and Sylvia Plath

JustaPoeBoy: do you have a pic?

FVSP75: we’d come so far in the conversation with out that question…

FVSP75: no, I don’t believe in them

JustaPoeBoy: ?

JustaPoeBoy: don’t believe in them?

FVSP75: it goes against my religious beliefs.  I think cameras suck the soul out of the person being photographed.

JustaPoeBoy What happens then if you are photoed more than once? How can a camera suck out a soul twice?

FVSP75: my aren’t you the slow one…after a picture is taken you are the walking dead

FVSP75: and that really sucks when you want to sit down or take a nap…I have never heard of the sitting dead or the napping dead

JustaPoeBoy:  I’m sure you were aware of this in your infancy and prevented all pictures from being taken of you by supernatural means

FVSP75: when you are an infant and still unaware of the evils of modernization it doesn’t count.

JustaPoeBoy: what a miserable bunch of dead you believe in.  All of my dead are eternally sleeping.  Ah! I see, what a clever rationalization of your belief…are you sure you’re not a catholic?

FVSP75: Now you’ve gone and insulted me! Catholic, indeed?!

FVSP75: catholic don’t condone the belief in unicorns and fairies and elves and such

FVSP75: and anyway I worship the Coffee God.  My holy trinity is Saint Espresso, Saint Cappuccino and the Virgin Latte

FVSP75: Are you a believer?

FVSP75: I belong to the Fresh Brewed Chapter of the Church of Folgers.

JustaPoeBoy: I regret to say that my constitution is not great enough to permit me to follow their ways.  Upon consuming their holiness my body is filled to bursting with their divine energy and I become so enthralled that my body must reject the stuff or be consumed by its zest.

FVSP75: HA

FVSP75: So I guess when you asked me for a picture I could have just been boring and said, “No”

JustaPoeBoy If you do not have a picture, can you tell me of your appearance?

FVSP75: I could

FVSP75: let’s see

FVSP75: I have 5 toes

FVSP75: on each foot

FVSP75:  of which I have 2

JustaPoeBoy: 5 toes? Is that all you have to say of your wondrous digits? I’m sure they feel quite neglected ad put aside.  And after all your praise of them earlier.

FVSP75:  I can snap my toes!  Can you? Most people can snap their fingers but it takes talent to snap your toes.

FVSP75: my friend keeps trying to get me to peel a banana with my toes but I think that is something to do in private, don’t you?

JustaPoeBoy: you can snap your toes? I can’t. I’m a master of picking things up off the ground with my toes when I’m too lazy to bend over.

FVSP75:  I should go soon.

FVSP75:  Should really get some sleep before school.

JustaPoeBoy:  Getting your excuses loaded and ready? What need have we of sleep?

FVSP75: well I don’t do it often so I take what I can get.  Have a long day ahead… go straight to work after school.

JustaPoeBoy I’m surprise your gods do not preserve you from such needs.

FVSP75: Sadly, no and I must say goodbye.  It was a pleasure chatting with you.

JustaPoeBoy:  Take care and may your dreams be pleasant.

FVSP75: Thank you and same to you. Goodnight.

JustaPoeBoy: Night Night

 

~Melanie Thomason

08/04/2020

4 Comments

Filed under Stories

4 responses to “How they Met 2000

  1. Oh, I love this. Such wonderful dialogue and witty banter. Very humorous!

  2. That was so much fun. I loved the part about the gods of coffee. Hahahaha So many good parts. Snapping toes. Great dialogue and lots of chuckles. I’m so glad you wrote it. 🙂

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