beach-hued rejection

I waded into the brisk blue water

despite of

or because of

my inability to swim

sun-swept memories

prove too sparse to rely on

for warmth

and I’ve been cold

too long

so I kept walking

slowly

until my toes no longer touched

the ocean floor

finding my body

if not my spirit

buoyant

i continued

to inch further into

the deep

thoughts of drowning

entered my mind

yet did nothing

to deter my progress

I turned to see the shore

far behind me

the beach speckled

with what i assume

were once people

if I went under

no one could reach me

growing tired, I waited

for one last sunset

and as the sun met the ocean

I stopped all movement

willing my existence to pass

I closed my eyes

as i felt the water

closing in

over my head

waiting for the searing pain

that comes from breathing saline

yet

suddenly I was floating

the ocean had spat me back out

it seems even Death didn’t want me

~Melanie Blackwell

 

 

28 Comments

Filed under Poetry

28 responses to “beach-hued rejection

  1. Such emptiness and acceptance. It just wasn’t time.

  2. Such dark melancholy….your words effectively communicate despair

  3. Brilliantly written! Your short lines reflect the agony of despair very effectively, and you have captured the essence of depression well – that moment wasfocus becomes both skewed and yet intensely focussed,

  4. Death does not want you … Yet…. This is good!!

  5. This is an amazing piece of writing. I can feel your sadness and pain.

  6. I know how that feels. Wanting it to all end.
    Beautiful piece.
    🙂

  7. laurie27wsmith

    A great piece Melanie, sometimes you can’t die no matter how hard you try.

  8. bgbowers

    “and as the sun met the ocean
    I stopped all movement
    willing my existence to pass”

    I understand this moment and your words convey it powerfully.

  9. Sonia

    May I end your poem with my thought:
    Because Life wanted you more………………..
    I love you!

  10. Such a powerful statement Melanie, absolutely love this, I can see it all very vivid – wonderful images you’ve described! I was just wondering – were the people on the shore also rejected by the sea or had they not been so lucky?

    It reminds me of a story (real story) my Dad used to tell about the day he nearly walked into the sea to drown himself. It was over the death of my 3 year old sister – he wasn’t coping well. But something made him change his mind, so glad he did, otherwise I would never have known him – I wasn’t yet born. The strange thing is in connection to your poem, my sister’s name was Meleen, but my Mum wanted to call her Melanie. Hope that doesn’t spook you, but it just struck me – one of those rather strange things in life! 🙂 Meleen, by the way was a combination of Melanie and Maureen.

    • I’m so glad this spoke to you and I really appreciate you taking the time to leave such a personal comment. This was actually based on a true story, like your dad, I once wished to end my pain by drowning. They people on the shore were merely that just too far away to be of any help or see clearly.

      I’m glad your dad was equally unsuccessful so that you had him in your life 🙂

      Meleen is a beautiful name, one I’ve never heard. Thank you so much for sharing.

      • I thought perhaps this was written from your personal experience, it struck me as very real, but I didn’t like to pry. I did once get so ill in my early 20’s I no longer cared if I lived or not, it’s a different kind of giving up I know, but it’s the closest I got to letting go of life. It turned out to be a good thing though, took away a lot of fear. It’s shocking how our circumstances and our minds can colour our worlds view in completely opposite ways!

        Well done Melanie for sharing this painful experience, and for being a survivor who can write so freely about the pain. There should be awards for that! 🙂

  11. nokindofmagic

    I can’t help thinking what lesson is to be learnt from the world revolving against the desired bad luck and I guess there is no perfect answer here. One will see the reason to start over, someone else – a proof of no achievements at all.

    And most of all I believe your poems somehow choose the right moment for me. When floating, how does one step aside and give way?

  12. sometimes we need to know that complete surrender, to know why we should take that next breath. a very sad but life affirming poem Melanie.
    i’ve been there a time or two myself, you’ve captured the feeling well.

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